My Heart is Smiling

I woke up this morning to Payton giving Haylee and I kisses. Landon had left early and I was trying to sleep in a bit. The last few days have been hectic. Yesterday alone, I left at 7:30 am and got home at 8:30 pm. Wednesdays are the days where it is time to get the house back in order and it is time for me to love my kids. Anyhow I was tired and Haylee was miraculously still sleeping, so I sent Payton downstairs, hoping that he would find something to do.

Ten minutes later I talked myself into getting my behind out of bed. I came downstairs to find Payton sitting quietly, waiting patiently for me to get up. A surge of guilt went through me. It was a quiet morning. Payton and Haylee sat and ate breakfast together. And we all kept singing little songs. Payton was making Haylee laugh by grinning his little smile, flashing his beautiful blue eyes and singing repeatedly "Haylee Megan, Haylee Megan, Haylee Megan". For some reason Payton has always used Haylee's full name.

Some of you don't know, but when I was 17 I had a sister named Megan who died in a car accident. She had just turned 19. Wow it is still so hard to write that, it always has been. We were and are still a very close family. It always bugs me that my husband and my kids don't know Megan.

I want them to know her.

I want them to know how funny she was.

I want them to know how great she was.

I want them to feel her friendship and love.

Like I did.

I have talked to Josie about her quite a bit. I tell her little stories. I tell her that we laid in bed together laughing and talking all the time. I tell her that we rode our bikes almost every night in the summers together. I've taken her to the cemetery with me. And she knows who Megan is.

Well this morning as Payton was singing Haylee Megan, I tried to explain that I used to have a sister named Megan. He didn't quite understand, he said "Yes she is right there, Haylee Megan."

I said "No, when I was a little girl I had a sister named Megan."

He sat for a moment contemplating and then calmly said "Ya we saw her."

"No Payton we didn't, Megan died."

"Died?" Payton stood firm, "We saw her."

Now I was really interested. "Where did you see her?"

"Remember we saw her where the rainbow lights were on the bushes."

I was so confused. Was this some psychedelic dream Payton had dreamed? Was this a dream about the pot at the end of the rainbow?

Payton said" I saw Megan when we saw the rainbow lights on the bushes and trees."

I stood there still so confused and Payton was trying so hard for me to understand. Then he repeated it again "I saw Megan when we saw the rainbow lights on the bushes and trees" but then he added "at the temple mom, remember?" Suddenly it hit me. This winter for our family Christmas party we went to the Salt Lake Temple to see the lights. It was a great night! Mom and Dad planned it to remind all of us how important the temple is, especially the Salt Lake Temple because that is where our family began.

It was all making sense now. I had forgotten that Payton had called colored Christmas lights Rainbow lights. "Payton, did you see Megan when we went to the temple?"

"Yes she was behind me."

"She was????"

"Yes, with Jesus."

Tears were filling my eyes and beginning to spill over. "Payton did she talk to you?"

"Nope she just walked by me."

Thank you Payton for reminding me how special kids are. Thank you for reminding me how close each of us walk with Jesus. I feel completely renewed. I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better person. Thank you Payton for sharing your light with me!